Thursday, September 22, 2005

Guide to Gay Bar Behavior for Straight Girls

A topic that keeps popping up lately in our social network is the question of straight girls in gay bars. It's been discussed on DC Urban Family and has been a part of many recent conversations among Team Lady.

Let me preface this entire conversation though by saying there are actually a good number of straight girls that I LOVE to have in my bar. They are the ones who are laid back and chill. They know how to behave and have a good time without making a spectacle of themselves. The girls from the Urban Family are a perfect example. And Team Lady's favorite girl "Prada" can constantly be found by our side. I don't have a problem with straight girls.

That being said.... just like Pavlov's dog, experience has taught me to react poorly when I see a straight girl walk up to the bar (or worse a group of them). I have had enough bad experiences that immediately I begin to cringe a little inside thinking of all the possible things that could face me for the evening.

So to help build a bridge of understanding I'd like to offer Mr. Bartenders Guide to Gay Bar Behavior for Straight Girls:

We are not here for your entertainment:
You are not going to the circus or the zoo - the gay boys are not a spectacle or a novelty here for your entertainment. If you see two boys flirting or kissing, please do not point and/or laugh. If you want to go to a gay bar to be entertained by the fags - please just stay home. One time I was out at JRs and this girl insisted on going into the guy's restroom because she wanted "to see what you boys do in there". You know what I do in a bathroom? I pee. Shocking I know...

Do not expect special treatment:
I know that you are daddy's little princess, but here you're out ranked by a bar full of queens. Lose the attitude. Oh and stop flaunting your breasts, they don't work here. Do not use them to try and score free drinks from either the bartender or the other customers. Oh and since you're now buying your own drinks - remember to tip, it's rude not to.

Do not try to play matchmaker:
Yes I know that you have a hot friend who is gay, but that does not mean he's right for every cute guy you see out at the gay bar. Gay attraction is more complex than gay man + gay man = perfect match. Gay men can be quite finicky bitches when it comes to dating and unless your gay friend ASKS you to approach a guy on his behalf, don't even think about it. In fact, if he does ask you to do it I'd caution him against it. Personally I'm much more likely to talk to a guy who has the balls to come over to me himself instead of sending someone in to break the ice.

Be aware of space limitations:
Bars tend to get quite packed & crowded on busy nights, gay bars are no exception. Sure our bars may play better music but if you're not on the dance floor - don't dance. No one wants you bumping into them and spilling their cocktail. And trust me, if I have to watch you mimicking the latest slutty-teen-pop-superstar I'm gonna need all the booze I can get. Take it to the dance floor, if there's no dance floor- don't dance. Oh and if you know you're going to a crowded bar, leave your supersized purse at home. No one wants to keep getting hit with that thing every time you turn around.

Don't be homophobic:
Yes I know this one should be a no brainer, but sadly it's not. I can understand how you may get upset with a someone at the bar. I know for a fact that some gay men can be complete dicks and deserve a good ol' insult hurled their way. But please do not resort to calling someone a fag. There are plenty of other insults at your disposal - you do not need to chose the cheap and easy route that will inevitably piss off all the other guys at the bar. Also if someone assumes you're a lesbian or you get hit on by a girl, don't get all offended. Oh and please do not make it a point to inform everyone that you are not a lesbian. Really we don't care, if we do - we'll ask.

Flirt with the gay boys wisely:
Remember there's a difference between someone flirting and someone just being a dumb ass. I'm always up for someone throwing a compliment my way even if its from someone I have no interest in. I appreciate it if you tell me I have beautiful eyes, or a good smile - to that I say thank you. I will take that compliment. I do not appreciate you asking me "are you sure you're gay???" because yes I am sure - I am very gay, I have references. Or worse yet "what? you're gay? that's such a shame" - no it's not a shame and it's not a waste, I love being gay. Hell it prevents me from dating girls who would say stupid comments like that!

Get out of your head voice:
There is nothing more annoying to me when bartending than that one high and shrill voice that carries through the din of drunken conversations and loud music and pierces right through my ear. If your speaking voice is like Janice from Friends you need to take it down a couple notches (or a hundred). Remember you vocal cords are in your throat, not your head.

Above all, relax and don't be obnoxious:
I understand how sometimes it's fun for you to escape getting hit on by straight men and just want to let your hair down and have fun. That's great. But not having to impress a straight guy does not excuse you from having to behave yourself. Out of control drunks are annoying, even more so when they don't have a penis and you can't take advantage of their intoxicated state. Ladies, we love having you at our bar, but please just be laid back, chill and fun. No one wants to have to babysit the straight girl when we're trying to get laid...

That's all I have for the moment...anyone have anything to add?


At 2:37 PM, Blogger mrs.jesus said...

I especially hate the purse thing in a crowded bar. Drives me crazy! Every sensible girl should have a small clutch that she can bring!

At 5:42 PM, Blogger The Boy said...

This post is great.

Maybe something about ladies attending shirtless nights should be included?

At 2:41 PM, Blogger The Party Girl said...

Mr. Bartender: Bravo! And thank you for the lovely compliment. The Boy has trained his bitches well and we love to hear that it is noticed by others.

Mrs. Jesus: You've criticized me for my purses before! I have plenty of clutches but I often go out straight from work and therefore have my big ass work purse with me. Please forgive me for such an offense.

At 2:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would like to see something on Fag Stag behavior, the male counterpart to the Hag. Should he just stand there, be hot, and take the hitting-on as it comes?

At 2:53 PM, Blogger The Drunk Girl said...

Okay, okay... It sounds like I have a lot of apologizing to do! I know I am not always the best behaved girl at the bar (especially lately), and I sometimes have a large purse, but we all make mistakes sometimes.... right?

At 3:05 PM, Blogger Dale said...

Awesome post!! Nothing is more annoying than bringing a straight girl to a gay bar and her acting like she's at a taping of wild kingdom......"now lets observe the homosexual male in his mating ritual"....

At 3:13 PM, Blogger Mr. Bartender said...

Re: the purses - actually the offense isn't with the purse itself, it's how it's carried. If you maintain control over your purse and keep it from bumping into people I don't see it being a problem.

If Drunk Girl is who I think she is (orders a SLOW drink) - no need to apologize honey. You keep your purse in your space and away from other people. From my encounters you've always been good with that. I don't think you've committed any of the offenses listed above.

Re: Fag Stags, the only real problem I typically have with them is the homophobia thing. If a guy hits on you and you're not gay relax and take it as a compliment. No need to freak out, just tell him you're not interested. And please as I said to the laides, do not go around the bar announcing that you're straight. It's annoying.

At 4:28 PM, Blogger Lady Tiara said...

this is a great post. it's sad that people need to be told how to behave, there is a severe lack of common sense out there. some of these rules could actually apply to any person at any bar. just call it good manners.

At 6:08 PM, Blogger Asian Mistress said...

Great post - thankfully I don't think I've ever NOT followed these rules!

I guess I too have been trained well! :)

At 9:04 AM, Blogger aklsdjhfa said...

Priceless! My exprience with fat stags has been pretty typical. As long as they are in groups and feel somewhat buffered, they're usually okay.

However, when some twink decides to whip his c*ck out on the dance floor and swing it around like a lasso, then there may be some trouble...

At 10:10 AM, Blogger Sean. Spelled the Right Way said...

Ladies should be reminded that, just because they can get falling-down drunk in the fag bar without getting gang raped in the bathroom, it still isn't pretty. Please, for the love of Gawd, drink responsibly.

Oh, and it's wise to mention that the gay who brought the girl into the fag bar should feel responsible for her. I'm not encouraging misogyny in the slightest--just some chivalry. A gay should make sure his Pet Diva (I hate the term 'fag hag') is on her best behavior, and failing that, should excuse them both to more a more hetero environment.

That, or he should fake a migraine, send her home as he acts like he's going to call it a night, and then come back into the bar and drink. Don't laugh--I've seen worse.

At 11:51 AM, Anonymous jimbo said...

Regarding the polite wearing of a supersize purse, be it a women's bag, a fag bag or offending gym duffel, if one is bumping into me repeatedly in a bar I'll try practicing my pickpocketing skills in the person's bag. I'm not actually interested in getting the contents of the bag (but the practice doesn't hurt) - I really just want to be caught so the rude purse person realizes what is going on and moves away and shifts their bag to bother someone else. It works every time.

At 5:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just like errant children in restaurants are fish in fag bars. The bad ones ruin it for the good ones. So because of this behavior, anytime I see one she is bad. I walk right through them. The screechy voices, flashy tits, midriff, and unwanted groping really piss me off. Leave them at home.

If you must let her stop by to visit for a drink or see what a sissy bar looks like and you want to stay to get some ass, make sure to call them a cab after their *first* drink. If you are with a chick, you wont be with me. And take care that they dont become a nuisance. Otherwise they will wear out their welcome and become a target. I will step on their toes, spill their drinks, pull their hair, and get the bouncer.

I dont go to straight bars nor lesbian bars because that is not who I am. I respect their space and know they dont enjoy seeing me there. If I happen upon one for a social visit as part of a group I grab a drink, sit down, shut up, and mind my own business - just like a well-behaved child in a restaurant.

I neither expect nor enjoy seeing straight chicks in a queer hangout. Gawd help em if they smoke cigarettes too. Lesbians are tolerable, tranzies are welcome.

Now I am going to my moms cause she invited me to her place for breakfast. I have never taken her to a fag bar but if I did, she would behave just like she taught me to in a restraunt. And... I would call her a cab after I bought her her first drink.

At 1:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

riiight my best friend is gay and yes I have lots of gorgeous men that are not gay to date. the QUEENS that do drag at our local bar are hideous, dress badly and cant lip sync for a damn. I go at the request of my friend. bar ettiq. is not rocket science but lets remember gay or straight everyone has the potential to make an ass out of themselves even the bartenders.

At 1:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh and dumb ass if you dont like titties why do you dress like a woman and wish for them>? there is not one gay man at out local bar who has not attempted to grab mine. GAY MEN LOVE TITS dumb ass

At 11:58 AM, Blogger Scott said...

As a confirmed well-behaved fag stag, I can certainly say what the appropriate thing for the whole situation is. Yes, fag hags, the gays aren't your pets. Fag stags, just play it cool when you get approached. New part: Where there is one fag stag, there is usually at least one fag hag too. Gays, you know who we are, help us find each other. We hags and stags tend to get along swimmingly. Very swimmingly. Ohmygoodnessletsmakeoutrightnow swimmingly.

At 5:28 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's the damn bachelorette parties that piss me off

Why are you going to flaunt something in my face that you know perfectly well I can't have by law??

It's inconsiderate.


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