Thursday, December 08, 2005

i'm back!

Sorry that I've been a bit slow on the blogfront this week kids, it's been an interesting and busy one. Some points to note:

#1 - Happy B-diddy - Mrs. Jesus has a 30th birthday swiftly approaching!!! Top secret plans are in the works and despite his attempts to figure them out - and several near slips on my part - I think I've done a good job at keeping him in the dark. This shall be a birthday he will not forget...

#2 - Another Straight Girl Rule - this one should be obvious, but apparently it's not. Therefore I have to amend my list to include this - Ladies, when at a gay bar please don't ask "so which one of you bartenders pops pussies?" Actually, how about you don't say that at any bar - gay or straight. Thank you.

#3 - An evening with the straights - last night I went to drop off something to Prada at her bar and walked into the middle of the kickball team drinkathon. Luckily I ran into Chip and decided to have a cocktail or two with him. I had several comments from people on my Threadless shirt, including a guy who asked what team I played on. My natural gut reaction was "oh I'm gay" until it dawned on me he meant which kickball team i played on.

Another threadless fan was this girl who was flirting hardcore with me to no avail. I dropped a few subtle hints about my love of men but she never quite got it - how she missed a key word like "exboyfriend" I'm not sure. I thought about just saying "I'm gay" but decided it against it, not because I was ashamed but because I feared becoming her token gay best friend. After all, it was just a week ago I had met a straight girl and 30 seconds into she said

"you're gay right? well Washington Post says if you have dating problems ask a gay man - so I'll ask you - What am I doing wrong?"

*sigh*

"look I just met you seconds ago - i have no idea what you're doing wrong"

"ah come on...you're gay....what are you first impressions of me...what am I doing wrong"

"i may be gay but i'm also a disaster at relationships....you are asking the wrong guy..."

"so you have no advice?"

"don't rely on stereotypes for dating advice!"

Anyway, last night I wasn't cocktailed enough to endure another one of those conversations so I did my best to just remain ambiguous...

Another girl I met last night - who i adored - was this kick ass blond girl whose name escapes me. She was hard core into kickball and started bitching about obnoxious girls who screech during the games. The minute I heard her complain about the straight girl screech I knew I loved her. We agreed the screech is inappropriate in pretty much any social situation. All in all it was a good night.

#4 - Jarhead Propaganda - for some reason I continue to get emails from this tragic hookup I had in 2001. He was secret service at the time of the hookup and now I think he's a flight marshall or something random like that. Anyway, from time to time he sends me pro Bush/war propaganda. I've tried kindly asking him to not forward these messages, I've tried debating him on the issues, I've tried to just ignore him and hope it'd go away. No such luck. The most recent email he sent me was a video of US soldiers killing some insurgents from their helicopter. Now random forwards are one thing, but seriously I have no interest in receiving footage of your buds killing people. I shot back an email asking "what the fuck is this?" and he replied saying he sent it out to show "they gave them every opportunity before they dusted them" *sigh*

5 Comments:

At 1:46 PM, Anonymous copperred said...

Mrs. Jesus celebrates his first 30th B-day. It's a moment to be cherished and repeated for the next 3 to 7 years.

"Pops pussies"? No that really isn't appropriate. Only if your friendly bartender does indeed enjoy the vagina and would be amenable to go diving , and really, really desperate, would it be appropriate to point him out.

You're so polite, I would probably have told her that while both like doing a lot of the same things, there's a reason no one has ever called her cocksucker and meant is as both descriptor and identity.

Jarhead just wants you to take him behind the woodshed and rip him a new one. Law enforcement types are the same way: they drive you slowly insane until you crumble and nail them again just to get them to stop.

 
At 2:00 PM, Blogger Dale said...

1). Do pussies pop? if so that just adds to the reasons I'm gayer than christmas

2). Thanks for being my representative at said social event... I needed someone in my place to up the 'mo ratio.

3). Thanks for reminding me about Mrs. Jesus birthday, just let me get the sling back from the cleaners.......

4). Sad times on the army guys. we'eve ALL got some psychos in our past...

 
At 2:14 PM, Blogger Asian Mistress said...

Pops pussies. How rude.

And #3 - I totally wanted to post that before haha.

 
At 11:32 AM, Blogger Stef said...

I agree, the straight girl screech is awful. The version I'm thinking of is especially excruciating, and is usually accompanied by lots of bouncing and hugs. Seen at kickball games, airports, martini bars, etc. I'm a straight girl myself, and I can't stand the screeching hug. Ick.

 
At 11:47 AM, Blogger John said...

What's the link to the Threadless shirt you were wearing? I just bought two as Christmas presents for my sis and her gf.

 

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