I'm not sure where to begin with this post....I guess the best place is to admit it's 5 something in the morn and it's been a long day in a series of long days. Not necessarily in a bad way, some of the long days were filled with good things - some filled with not-so-good. There's a balance in there somewhere....bottom line is that I've been a bit lax in my blogging because there's been a lot going on that just feels a bit uncomfortable to post about so I end up not posting at alll.......give me some booze though and it all comes out....so here it is...
So yeah, 5 sometime AM, I've been bartending all night and I'm slightly tipsy and going to pour myself another cocktail now to get me through this post...
ahh....bacardi and diet now in front of me now....why end a good buzz when so many thoughts are flying in my mind - might as well update a woefully neglected blog :
Speaking of alcohol abuse - which cleary i'm engaging in at the moment - my sister is an alcoholic - a occasionally suicidal alcholic....it's been several months since i last spoke to her sober....our last conversation - while she was trashed - she confessed her anger for a multiitude of things - but the predominant one being that she played the roll of bad kid, while i played the role of good kid. A casting that according to her had been in place since childhood and continues today - even to the point that my brotherly concern for her well being was viewed as more about me playing the role of "good brother" than someone who actually cared about the well being of his suicidal and alcholic sister. She resented the fact that I reached out to her more while she was in trouble than I did when she was fine.... And truth be told I can get where she's coming from, but honestly don't know what to do at this point - i can't change the past so do I just make myself unavailable now that there's a problem so I don't seem inconsistent??
And all of this got me thinking to the roles that we play in life.....my gut reaction when she said I was continuting to play the role of "good son" was that I wasn't playing any role - i was living my life - i was being me. I am a person who cares about the well being of the people around him - it has nothing to do with a role. But as I think (dwell?) on it more I question how much her statement might be true. I do know I have a tendancy to give more of myself than is healthy. I fit far too easily into the caretaker roll at the detriment of my own sanity and well being. I'm improving on finding the balance and ensuring I don't give too much of myself - but I do wonder how much of this behavior stems from a childhood framed in a background of a rebelious older sister who couldn't do anything right so i felt I wasn't allowed to do anyting wrong. Maybe I am enternally trying to be the good son.....
who the fuck knows....but honestly, is a life of trying to do the right thing such a bad thing? The lesson I've had to learn though is that the right action isn't always what it appears to be on first assesment. It's isn't about appeasing those around you, it's about doing the thing you know to be the true right action - regardles if it causes hurt feelings.....
Also on my mind a lot recently is that another person that I've grown to care for has recently tested positive. So an old issue from the past rears its ugly head and once again i'm feeling like the 22 year old kid struggling to maintain a healthy attitude towards sex when I'm once again reminded of the reality that sex can be fatal. And trying not to let my old issues interfere with my objectivness in the current situatino. The new person's diagnosis was the straw that broke the camel's back for me and I'm now back in therapy. Between family issues, pos friend & old associations, and my struggle to determine what I want and need out of life I decided it was time to check in to see someone..... Overall I think I'm handling all of the things on my plate pretty well, but you know - sometimes it jsut all feels like too much....
Luckily it's not all doom and gloom....but I need to make sure I see the good things for what they are....there's a new crush in my life...in some ways it feels like perfect timing so I have something that makes me smile while I'm sorting out the other things that are going on - on the other side I have no idea if i'm in a place to offer much of myself to another person when I'm so confused with where I'm at. The good thing is that our first date was amazingly open - we laid out a lot of our issues in a very uncharacteristic way for a first date. I shared a lot of my bullshit trust issues, pace issues, family issues, etc....and he didn't go running....he shared some of his own and i didn't go running....it's a nice basis to start things....but i'ts only been one date so the cart is way before the horse.... so much more to find out about him, and i'm really scared about giving too much of myself when i already feel so vulnerable because of these outside issues. How open do I let myself become to getting hurt again in a relationship when there's this other stuff already beating at my psyche? But on the other hand, how open do I let myself become to the possiblilty of finding somene that I really connect with and can share and connect with my issues.. it's so hard to say....so scary to think about.... I don't do needy well and I don't to vulenarbality well - i hate being that guy....
but yet here i am - 5 something in the morning - tired, tipsy and confused as hell. I don't know what the next step is....An epithany I had the other day in the suana at the gym was that I don't have control over a lot fthis. I was sitting there trying to figure out what to do. And then it dawned on me - maybe theres nothing to do - honestly I can't take away my friend's HIV - I can't take away my sister's alcoholism. They exisit and the only thing I can do is support them and not enable any behaviors that are a detriment to them. And I guess the same is true on the relationship front - the new crush could turn into something, it might not - but it's either there or it's not. Obessing or overthinking things isn't going to change the possibilites of this turning into a realtonship. All I can do is to continue to be the honest and upfront about who I am and what I have to offer - either it fits or it doesn't. The difficult thing is to not get overly exicted as this plays out.....to not use these good feelings as a reprieve from all the negative shit that surronds me at the moment - to embrace the reality of the moment and not give too much....
i dunno....i think tipsy has turning into drunk now and it's time to crash....vulnerabilities be posted as are.....mr. b has issues - not a shock to anyone i'm sure :) we all do....
