Public Service Announcement

Dear Washington Sports Club Patrons,

I am not going to tell anyone how to maintain their personal hygiene or the proper way to wipe their own ass. However, if you happen to have a case of skid marks on your white undergarments, especially a case so severe that it makes one question if they are skid marks or a possible accident, please refrain from laying said undergarments on the locker room floor - soiled side up for all to see. This is an unwelcome display under normal circumstances, but particularly offensive when they remain in full view on the floor while you are showering.

I sincerely hope I only need to make this request once. I thank you for your cooperation in this matter.

Yours truly,

Mr. Bartender

Thanksgiving Weekend Review:

Wednesday 11/23 - Sleeping With A Straight Man

Team Lady went out and about with Big Gay Kevin's "straight" brother in tow. We started off at Halo hoping to be blessed with the company of this guy but alas he wasn't working. After taking advantage of numerous 2-for-1 bargains we moved our intoxicated selves onto Cobalt. Big Gay Kevin bowed out early but Big Straight Brother continued on. That evening concluded with BSB crashing at my place. Being the ever generous host I offered him either the couch or to crash in bed with me. He chose the bed and I assured him I would be a perfect gentleman. He must have been unconvinced because when I returned from brushing my teeth and washing my face I found he had placed a pillow barricade between us. I giggled a bit.

The one thing I've discovered is that I'm not so good with sleeping with someone in my bed if there is no snuggling involved. It's not a sexual thing really, I'm just an uber-cuddler. Having a warm body in my bed forces me to gravitate towards and wrap my arms around it. It's magnetic. So when I know that cuddling is out of the question I have a hard time getting comfortable. I went ahead and moved the barrier pillow and just snuggled up with that instead.

Thursday 11/23 - The Giving Of Thanks

Mrs. Jesus and Kitchen Bitch prepared quite the feast and much fun (not to mention turkey and alcohol) was had. This year's bird, Kylie, was absolutely delicious and enjoyed by all of the 13? 14? guests..... Post dinner drinks poured freely and continued to do so until we could officially be labeled debaucherous. After some discussion of where to go, the overly lubricated party migrated to JRs, chosen for being the shortest stumbling distance from the party. More drinks consumed, more laughs shared and great recollections of all the things we have to be thankful for.

Friday 11/24 - Thankfully no hangover

Somehow karma smiled in my favor and greeted me Friday morning with a complete lack of a hangover. How that happened remains a mystery. I appeared to have been one of the 5 people in DC who actually had to be at work Friday morning. The city was absolutely dead which was apparent on my walk to work when I actually made it there without almost getting hit by a car. Not even once!!! A true rarity. No one was in the office which meant I could hook up my iPod up to my boss' stereo system and play music WAY too loud, take a two hour lunch and leave work a bit early. Great day! That evening at the bar was slow but steady. Not a great money night but respectable crowd that was surprisingly unannoying. Good times were had :)

Saturday 11/24 - Cute Indie Boys Galore!!

The Saturday bar shift started MUCH earlier this weekend as we had a mandatory 2 PM bar cleanup / decoration party. Sleep deprivation aside it was actually a lot of fun. I'm pretty damn lucky to work with some great guys and an amazing manager. By far the greatest bar staff that I've worked with since I started bartending all those years ago. After we finished decorating we all grabbed a bite to eat and went right back to the bar to start our nights.

Given the holiday weekend I was expecting another slow evening. Had I read this I would have known just how wrong I was. Yes indeed the ever endearing Sean Show had rallied up the gay bloggers of the world and sent them my way. The bar was filled with cute indie guys from pool table to pool table. What an amazingly evening. I would give shout outs to all who attended but instead I'll refer you to Sean who breaks it down for you and gives the quoteable quotes for the evening. He also manages to dish out an immense amount of flattery to yours truly, turning my face all sorts of shades of red and leaving me utterly speechless. Compliments from randoms are one thing, compliments from your secret crush set your heart aglow and etch a permanent smile on your face. They also have a tendency to make Sean's other secret admirers extra jealous. We've all determined that Chemistry Lad has got to be the luckiest lad in the land. If C-Lad and Sean didn't make such a cute couple he may have to worry, but alas they're just so damn adorable together that we all agreed to be content with admiring from a far.

Saturday evening ended with me in very good spirits, and actually very full of spirits from all the people insisting on doing shots with me. It must have shown in my eyes as Mr. Manager asked at the end of the night if I was tired or drunk. I smiled and said "eh, a little of column A a little of column B".

All in all it was a very, very fun evening....many thanks to Sean for making it all happen (and for being so damn sweet.....and for being so damn sexy) ...

Why write when you can just link?

Not too motivated to write this morning so here are some interesting links:


1. Tivo to support video iPod!!! So what you're saying is not only can I watch porn on my iPod I can catch up on all my tivo'd shows??? Sweet...

2. Pregnant woman + fetus = HOV lane? yanked from here

3. I would make such a good parent...be sure to check out the accessories...

4. Ricky Martin likes Golden Showers - yikes! stolen from here

5. Use your computer's idle time to help fight AIDS.

6. His mixed CDs are as good as his mixed drinks....

7. Joe My God makes an interesting point and notices a difference between women and men...

snow

ah, the first forecast of snow for the season....

I know it's the end of November and we should be ready for this, but I'm really not....

weather channel, you bring a tear to my eye

Tired of the Pity Party

With the exception of Thanksgiving last year, every Thanksgiving and Christmas since I moved to DC has been spent here in the city with my friends. It’s always been a really nice way for my circle of friends to all gather around and make our own traditions. It’s naming our thanksgiving turkey after our favorite drag queen or waking up Christmas morning to find that Baby Jesus painted our toenails purple or that Santa made sure we didn’t burn the house down and took the tater-tots out of the oven while we were passed out. It’s always a good time and nice to spend time with the people that truly know me the best.

But one of my annoyances with this time of year is that there is this expectation that in order to be complete you need to spend the holidays with your biological family – anything less than that is seen as sad and pathetic. Over the past week I’ve lost track of how many conversations I’ve had like this:

Prying Person: “So you have any big Thanksgiving plans??”

Mr. Bartender: “Yeah I’m getting together with friends for a nice Thanksgiving Dinner”

Prying Person: “Oh, so you’re not going home….awwww”

Mr. Bartender: “No it’s fine, my friend Mrs. Jesus is a really good cook and he’s having a bunch of us over. We’ve done it the past couple years and it’s always been a really nice time.”

Prying Person: “oh….how fun….. I’m sure you’ll get home for Christmas though”

Mr. Bartender: “No, I’m staying in town for that too”

Prying Person: “Aww that’s awful.”

Mr. Bartender: “No really it’s fine. I’m really close with my friends and it’s nice to be able to spend the holidays with them. They’re the reason DC feels like home to me”

Prying Person in the most forced and awkward voice: “Well be sure to have fun with that…happy holidays”

Prying person walks away with a look of pity and sadness in their face…

Look, I love my family. I make it home about once a year but I really can’t afford to fly home much more than that. Why should one arbitrary holiday be set above all others? Why is coming home for Christmas or Thanksgiving any more important than going home for my dad’s 50th birthday or for my mom’s family reunion? I stay in touch with my family, they know I love them, I know they love me.

Meanwhile, I’m here in DC and have been blessed with an amazing group of friends who have been with me through my highest of highs and lowest of lows. They have seen me through an incredibly difficult period of my life and helped me deal with things my parents wouldn’t have been able to handle. They are my chosen family. They mean the world to me. Please don’t pity me for getting to share the holiday season with people that I love dearly. I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way…

Under the weather...

I haven't blogged about it, but for the better part of the past two weeks I was feeling a bit under the weather. It started off as the cold that everyone and their mother has had recently - but ended up developing into a full out upper respiratory infection. Middle of last week my doctor put me on an antibiotic which helped make me feel MUCH better by the time I needed to bartend this weekend. Even though I was feeling better, I was gonna be a good boy and finish my entire antibiotic as prescribed.

Now when I read the label it said I could take it with or without food - didn't really matter. So come Saturday when it was time for my daily dose it didn't phase me that I was taking it on an empty stomach. BIG MISTAKE. I arrived at the bar and felt my stomach beginning to rumble. Then the full digestive onslaught began to take effect. Ugh. I immediately popped some Imodium AD. 45 min later it seemed to fully kick in and help keep everything in check. Still it made for a long night. My stomach remained achy and I've gotta say it's just not fun bartending when you're wondering if you're gonna crap your pants!

Luckily there was an insanely handsome guy sitting at the bar so whenever I needed a little pick me up, I looked over at him, got a little fix of eye candy and went back to slinging drinks. Sadly, around 1:00 he got up to leave with his friends and it became apparent that one of his friends was more like a boyfriend. Oh well, he still served a good purpose for the night. Who knew flannel could look so damn good...

Around closing time another handsome gent had made his way up to the bar to drop his glass off before heading out. A brief smiling exchange was made between us and he busts into "hey are you single?". Now as I've said before I'm not a big fan of being put on the spot with these kind of questions when bartending so there was some hesitation in my response. After a bit of a pause i said "yeah I'm single". He picked up on the pause and said "ohh i see, it's okay". He took my pause as rejection - it wasn't rejection, in fact I thought he was a kind of adorable, so I said "no really, I'm single". Unconvinced and feeling unnecessarily embarrassed he says "it's okay" and runs off. *sigh*

Sunday I spent most of the day in bed catching up on Tivo and lounging around. In fact I barely left my bedroom until 6 PM when it was time to go out and get a bite of real food. Plans to celebrate a friend's birthday turned disastrous when everyone backed out last minute. I should have realized by now that i should not make plans for Sunday night as all my friends are recovering from their Saturday night hangovers.....

Minors in bars and getting cut off...

(sorry kids it's another bar rant - i kinda pissed a few people off tonight and below is my unapologetic reason for doing so)


Tonight Mr. Bartender was confused. I thought I went in for a Friday night shift at the bar I work at, instead I found myself working at Apex on Thursday's college night - at least that's how it appeared. For some reason this evening we had a huge group of barely legal kids celebrating a 21st birthday. There was more chicken in my bar tonight than on my grandparent's farm in Iowa.

As a result I became an ID checking fiend after our door guy closed down at 1:00. This unfortunately coincided with the arrival of people coming directly from tonight's Guerrilla Queer bar. The Guerrilla guys were a great group, but with all the possible minors running around from the party I had to keep checking IDs -especially when they were buying for multiple people. I sensed the Guerrilla guys were annoyed as I witnessed quite a number of rolling of the eyes and labored sighs. I want to make clear - when I check IDs I do this not to be a pain in the ass - I'm doing it to protect myself. You see, the Alcohol Beverage Control (ABC) & the Metro police have the right to not only fine me if a minor gets served, but they also can give me the privilege of getting to spend a night in jail. As much as I love watching a naked Chris Meloni on Oz, I somehow doubt the real life jail experience is nearly as hot. I know it's a pain to have to keep getting out your ID but I am really just doing my job and trying to save my own ass.

Oh and please do not try to convince me to help you sneak your minor friend into the bar. I could care less how hot he is, he's not worth risking a night in jail for me or any of my coworkers. Ain't gonna happen....

Also, if I decide you might just be a little too intoxicated for another drink, don't take it personal. First of all I've been tragically drunk MANY times in my life - therefore I am not judging you for your state of inebriation and I am casting no stones. I have been in your shoes, it's fine, i still respect you, i hope you had as much fun getting there as I do when I'm that trashed. All that said I am trying to protect both you and me from getting in some trouble.

Generally I only cut people off if they fall into three different categories - 1) you become over the top loud/abusive with other me or other customers 2) you have trouble standing/walking 3) i catch you doing drugs. I never cut people off because they just generally annoy me or I don't like them. If I did there would be a lot more people each night that I would refuse to serve. Again, the decision to cut you off is not a personal one.

If you feel like you aren't that drunk and want to prove to the bartender that you're really okay - don't argue with him. After I cut someone off the only way I'm going to change my mind is for some time to go by and for me to see that person sober up a bit. If you're cut off say "alright I know you're just doing your job. How about some water" Have a glass of it, hell go for two or three and really show me you're trying to sober up. After some times goes by, remembering not to slur your words or stumble into someone on your way to the bar, say "thanks for the water, i'm feeling much better, would it be alright if i went back to beer now?" I'm much more likely to respond to that than the person who argues with me and tries to debate me on DC law and ABC rules and regulations on overserving people.

Bottom line if you're so drunk you're stumbling into people you don't need more to drink. It doesn't matter if I served you yet or not - you're still trashed. By allowing you to drink more I'm risking 1) you puking in my bar 2) you passing out at my bar 3) someone taking advantage of your drunken state and stealing from or having their way with you and 4) worst case - you leaving the bar and injuring yourself or someone else (you know that whole drunk driver thing...). And if something tragic DOES happen, you die or you kill someone, at the end of the day it could be my ass that gets sued. I'm not putting myself in that risk for you to have one more drink. All legal ramifications aside, I don't want my conscious burdened with the knowledge that I thought about cutting that guy off but I didn't and now his brains are splattered all over 395.

I'm just trying to make sure everyone gets home safe and has a good time...


(oh and gotta issue a big ole' fuck you to the thief we had in the bar tonight - stealing is never cool, stealing from my karaoke host earns you a special place on my shit list)

(the dreaded RENT karaoke trend has started up again and is in full force. Be forewarned before stepping into a karaoke bar. Also the same day I post about my hatred for Celine Dion someone sang an awful version of "My Heart Will Go On" - i contemplating slitting my wrists but decided I couldn't let the last song I ever hear be that.....)

Mr. Bartender's Funeral

While checking out the blog stats today I ran across the following google uk search that led to our site:

lady sucks me dry london

we were on the second page of results....go team lady! I guess we're extending our services internationally :)

ANYWAY, speaking of London (and the real reason for my post today) is that I came across the results of the Top 10 pop songs played at British Funerals. They are:

1. My Way - Frank Sinatra
2. Wind Beneath My Wings - Bette Midler
3. Angels - Robbie Williams
4. My Heart Will Go On - Celine Dion
5. Simply The Best - Tina Turner
6. I Will Always Love You - Whitney Houston
7. You'll Never Walk Alone - Gerry and the Pacemakers
8. Over The Rainbow - Eva Cassidy
9. Time To Say Goodbye - Sarah Brightman
10. We'll Meet Again Dame - Vera Lynn

Okay that list makes me very sad for the dead British. I swear to God if anyone even thinks of playing Celine Dion at my funeral I will come back and haunt your ass.

I guess I can understand their #1 choice of My Way, but for me that song falls into the "I've heard this song slaughtered too many times on karaoke I can't bear to even hear the original anymore".

But this list got me thinking about what I would want played at my funeral. As I mentioned on this blog before, I'm a sucker for a good sad song and what place more appropriate for a sad song than my own funeral, right? Hell I don't even want a funeral - just give me one big concert where all my favorite sad songs are being sung about me. I'll even make it easy for you, you just need to book Patty Griffin and have Lucinda Williams & Gillian Welch open...The typical "mass" is about an hour so we'll keep this concert about the same length...

Here's the set list:

Opening:

Lucinda Williams
1. Sweet Old World
2. Overtime
3. World Without Tears

Gillian Welch
1. I’m Not Afraid To Die
2. I’ll Fly Away
3. I Dream A Highway

Patty Griffin
1. The Long Stairs
2. Top of the World (no, not the Carpenter's song...)
3. Not Alone
4. Dear Old Friend
5. Goodbye
6. Long Ride Home (gotta close big)

After the concert go ahead and scatter my ashes and be done. You are now allowed to return to your regularly scheduled Celine Dion, Cher, Britney, and other pop-music crap

Things That Make Me Sad, Happy, Confused, Scared and Tired

1. Bad News For Arrested Development - According to this article , Fox isn't going to be airing the final 9 episodes of this season's Arrested Development due to poor ratings. While this doesn't necessarily mean they are going to cancel the show, it's certainly not a good sign. *sigh* This is depressing. One of the greatest shows on TV today and no one is watching it......Hopefully this show won't fall to the same fate as Family Guy where it gets cancelled by fox, becomes a cult classic only to return to Fox with all of the original edgy-humor traded in for forced jokes and rehashing old-gags leaving only a slight trace of what made the show work the first time around.

(UPDATED - great clip from Transbuddha of David Cross explaining the demise of the show - warning the clip drops the f-bomb a few times)

2. Sony finally gives in. After a swarm of bad press, Sony has finally decided to recall their CDs that contain the trojan software. Maybe this will be a lesson to them that they shouldn't punish their PAYING customers with harmful attempts at copy protection. Score one for the little guy...

(ANOTHER UPDATE - according to Washington Post the Department of Homeland Security may have had something to do with Sony's decision - the money quote said to record label execs? "there's been a lot of publicity recently about tactics used in pursuing protection for music and DVD CDs ... It's very important to remember that it's your intellectual property -- it's not your computer. And in the pursuit of protection of intellectual property, it's important not to defeat or undermine the security measures that people need to adopt in these days."

3. Why do I still have an active match.com profile? Why does Match keep sending me emails matching me with um ME??? Why am I listed as only a 78% match for myself?

4. It Finally Happened The Bird Flu has made it's way onto three humans. Bush to impending epidemic - "Bring it on!"

5. Is it only Wednesday?

Me with Glasses

As I said yesterday...

I'm All Out of Tears

1. After some on-going discomfort in my eyes I made an appointment with an optomologist to figure out just what was wrong with me. Well apparently 10 years of wearing contacts for 16+ hours a day - every day - can take its toll on your eyes. My tear ducts have decided to take some time off and don't lubricate my eyes as well, add that to the fact that contacts like to absorb tears it's leaving my eyes very dry.

The remedy - stop wearing contacts for a month, give my eyes some time to rest and start producing tears again.

*sigh* I really don't like wearing glasses. I never had. For some people glasses make them look intelligent or geeky in the cute-geeky kind of way. For me the opposite happens, instead of looking intelligent I look a little slow...like maybe I should have been put in those special ed classes....

I also can't pull of baseball caps...I'd love to be able to, it's just a look that for some reason never worked for me...

Anyway, the Dr. reluctantly agreed to allow me to wear contacts when I go out or when I'm bartending. Wearing them won't cause any permanent damage or harm to my eye sight, it'll just continue to be somewhat uncomfortable for a bit....and we all know vanity wins over comfort every time :)

2. Get a google-map of your favorite sex offenders!! Yes kids, finding out what child molesters and rapists live near you has never been easier than now thanks to the power of google. Simply plug in your address, click on the little red dot and get their headshot. What's shocking to me is just how many of them are SOO close to schools. There's a school literally in my back yard with oodles of minors running around every day and 2 convicted child molesters each living a block away. In fact there's one living right between me and The Boy. Very interesting site....

I wonder how long before I recognize one of these guys walking down the street....

Today's Boondocks...

....is just so me :)

The L Word, Season 2, Episode 1

Why does Tim strip naked to have sex with his sexualy confused girlfriend, only to make just two dramatic thrusts that leave me more confused than either one of them as Tim, half dressed, leaves town in his U-Haul. Lesbians have more drama than men and I am loving this second Season of "The L Word," sans the beginning theme song and the intro effects that smack of the beginning of "My Two Dads."

Cut Scene==
(enters Ritalin on phone) Ritalin: "Lets got to Halo."
BGK: Ok.

Halo is lovely. I did all my chores and hunkered down for the night, and then felt compelled to go out. Ritalin was my excuse. I swore myself to only 10pm and pulled it off famously. Halo is like the world showcase at Epcot these days. I'm amazed. I'm impressed. I'm also discouraged by way too many languages that make communication most difficult. "I said excuse me, not squeeze me." Mental note (ok, I actually wrote it down to remember): Do Latin men hook up with Latin men? I've not met/slept with a latin man that didn't want to top, so that's why I ask.

Someone farted too. I thought it was Ritalin, but it wasn't. Remarkably, after not having spoken to anyone all night, I began to make conversation with guy across from me who had graduated from UM (another mental note: second time I went to Cobalt and met someone from my old neighborhood). Even more profound as that I had to contend with a foul smell that you know he thought was coming from me and visa-versa. In those moments, I just want to turn the music off, raise the lights up and confess that it wasn't me, so no one walks away thinking so.

There was a guy with white shorts, boat shoes and a PLAYBILL wondering up and down the bar. Odd. It was two-for-one tonight, so I'm not making a big-to-do about it.

BGK

3 day weekend recap

1. I started the three day weekend celebrating on Thursday night with The Boy and the rest of Team Lady for our usual Green Lantern venture. We decided to mix things up a bit and hang out downstairs instead of the uber-packed upstairs bar (secretly so we could all drool over Cubbies hat guy). Many cocktails were consumed and we somehow ended up at Cobalt. Now Cobalt isn't my favorite place in the world, but I was liquored enough to make the most of it. In fact, maybe I made a bit too much of it and somehow Friday morning greeted me in a bed that was not my own. Friday morning was also my first experience with a guy who has a foot fetish. I try to keep an open mind to things, but I found the continual tickling of my feet to be a bit distracting. I assumed he would have picked up on the non-verbal cues I was giving him (moving my feet out of his grasp) but no when that didn't work I had to give the whole "um yeah - i'm not enjoying that so much".... Also I have to say if you have a foot fetish I am SOOO not your guy. I have a 40 minute walk to and from work, Mon-Fri, as a result I have some major callouses. I also have eczema, a skin allergy that occasionally causes a small flaky rash on my feet. Bottom line my feet are NASTY....they don't need to be fetishized or tickled.

(Oh I should also mention he was kind enough to leave a mark on my neck - but I'm in denial about it and am refusing to acknowledge the hickey's presence)

2. Friday night at the bar was D-E-A-D. Probably the slowest night I've had in years. Somehow despite a dead bar and my allergies kicking into overdrive I managed to stay in a fairly good mood for the most of the night. Having surprise guest appearances from Chip and Dale as well as The Hot Bitches certainly helped.

At one point I went to the bathroom and saw two guys walk out of the stall, both sniffing their noses. It's time to quote The Sean Show now:

"…there are only two reasons why two grown men would share a public bathroom stall. One is quickie sex. The other involves small baggies, pen caps and (hopefully) a good dealer. Either is unacceptable at my bar. Smart Tip For Kids: Keep your private shit private."

Now what I don't get is why on earth people would do that shit at my bar of all places. Cobalt - I could see that, Sadlands - oh yeah, Nation - without a doubt. But I work at a fucking karaoke bar!!! Come on boys!! Anyway, they went to order another round and I figured since they had enough of their own drugs up their noses, they didn't need any of my drugs out of the vodka bottle. I cut them off and they left not too much after that.

3. Saturday afternoon I headed out to see a play a friend of mine directed. After the show I was waiting around and a random guy comes up to me and says hi. He looked familiar but I wasn't quite sure from where. I asked if we knew each other from the bar and he responded "yeah - I asked you out and you said no".

Awkward silence. Really how does one respond to that comment??

I told the story to The Boy and The Drunk Girl later that evening and their favorite part of the story was imagining me responding to someone with a simple "no".

Guy: "hey would you like to maybe grab dinner some night?"
Mr Bartender: "No"
Mr Bartender walks away and washes glasses

As entertaining as that would have been I doubt it actually played out that way. Despite my annoyance with being put on the spot while I'm working, generally I'm pretty nice in letting someone down.

4. Saturday night at the bar started off with an invasion of lesbians. Generally I don't mind lesbians since they seem to like me and tip better than the stereotype - but the ones in on Saturday were the cheap bitches. I started lining up all the quarter tips out on my bar to keep track of them all. Gradually things picked up and Copperred came by delivering a "hello" from Sean and introduced me to Clickboo. By midnight we finally got busy and it ended up being one of my highest rings ever. Certainly helped make up for the evening before.

There were several guys in the crowd that had me all hot and bothered, but of course they weren't the ones who decided to flirt with me. Nope instead I had two guys attempt to flirt. One was the guy I ran into at the play earlier in the day, he just sat right at my well and STARED which just creeped me out. The second guy waited until I was crazy busy and told me he thinks I'm hot and wants to talk dirty to me but is too shy. Hmmm, apparently with a line like that he's not shy enough....

5. Observation - Karaoke can be a fucking cult. Now don't get me wrong, it can be a lot of fun and I do enjoy it - but my god people take it WAY too seriously. This one girl came in the second we opened on Saturday and started complaining I wouldn't turn on the machine for just her. She explained to me that singing is in her soul, it's why she's here on earth and what she was made for, blah, blah, blah. Come on lady, you're talking about singing cheesy pop songs to a bar full of drunks - this is not your life's work. And she was just one of the mild ones, there are plenty of other karaoke freaks out there - people who come in with 500 count CD binders full of their own karaoke CDs, people who sneak behind the bar to adjust the equalizer to best match their voice, people that, in attempt to bump their song up sooner, will scan over the karaoke list to report when a person has signed up too many times in hopes we'll take that person off the list, people who will walk into the bar and immediately sign up for a karaoke song before ordering a drink, people that try to get a refund on their drink because the karaoke host has cut off the list for the night, claiming the only reason they ordered a drink was because they though they could sing. Oh and don't even get me started on the musical theater kids....can I tell you how much I'm dreading RENT coming out on film, if for no other reason than the revival of endless horrible renditions of "One Song Glory" and "Seasons of Love" aka 525,600 reasons to slit my wrists....

Squirrels on Crack?

So i found this article about how squirrels in London are supposedly becoming addicted to crack.

The article claims:

"Crack squirrels are a recognised phenomena in the US. They are known to live in parks frequented by addicts in New York and Washington DC. The squirrels have attacked park visitors in their frenzied search for their next fix."

Okay, am I just not hanging out in the right crack parks or what? I have never seen a crack-addicted squirrel before or even heard of one. A quick google search just revealed more London sources of the same article and even one from the non-news-spinning-folk at Fox News , but nothing on the actual "recognised phenomena" in the US.

The article also claims:

"It was ill-looking and its eyes looked bloodshot but it kept on desperately digging. It was almost as if it was trying to find hidden crack rocks."

Now I ask you, how can you tell if a squirrel's eyes are bloodshot?

Can anyone find a source to confirm crack addicted squirrels in DC???

(oh here's some news from a more reputable source - Muhammad Ali thinks Bush is crazy)

Another guy bails on me, and I find a hero

1. Last night it was a second attempt at a first date with the guy who writes in shorthand . The first date was supposed to be Monday but he got his schedule mixed up and ended up cancelling. We rescheduled for last night and when I called him to confirm plans he had forgotten about it. At first he said we could still meet up but mentioned he needed to shower and to check his checking account to make sure his direct deposit went through.

Now is it just me or is this just horribly tacky? I know all too well the feeling of having a rapidly depleting checking account, but I certainly don't announce this to a guy before a first date. Anyway, five minutes later he called back and said he couldn't meet up because it was getting too late and he had things he needed to finish up on. But definitely wants to meet up next week.

*sigh*

So whatever. I should have seen it coming. Cancel on me once, shame on you - cancel on me twice, shame on me. The thing is despite his poor email abilities, living in Rockville, and bailing on me once I was gonna give it a fair shot. I can be pretty choosy about who I go on a date with, but once I make the ever-so-rare move of slipping my number to someone while I'm working I'm willing to over-look some initial warning signs (Rockville? Could little car-less me really date someone in Rockville??). Bail on me twice in a row though and you've gone through all your chances....

No biggie though, I secretly wanted to stay home and watch Lost anyway so it worked out. :) Odd little tid-bit though, a couple years back there was another guy who backed-out of dates on me last minute with some frequency. Both that guy and Rockville guy have the first name, David. New rule - never date a David.

2. I found a new personal hero in this article in the New York Times. Dan McCauley, you are a true inspiration. Any of you residents of Chicago who may be reading please immediately head on over to "A Taste of Heaven" to support this man and his noble cause.

My favorite thing about the article is reading the quotes from these entitled parents who think of themselves as victims here:

"You go to a coffee shop or a bakery for a rest, to relax, and that you would have to worry the whole time about your child doing something that children do - really what they're saying is they don't welcome children, they want the child to behave like an adult." - Kim Cavitt, mother of a "boisterous 2 year old

Okay Kim, take a look at what you said. "You go to a coffee shop or a bakery for a rest, to relax..." Now how on earth do you expect those around you to rest and relax when your screaming 2 year old is running around acting wild. Sure kids will be kids but knowing that fact means you should not take them to a coffee shop (restaurant, movie, etc, etc) until they are of an age they can behave themselves. Yes I know it sucks for you, but YOU made that choice to have a child. That choice involves some sacrifices on YOUR part, not on everyone else around you.

I'll close with another favorite quote of mine from the article:

"Whenever a hostess asks me 'smoking or non-smoking?' I respond, 'No kids!' - Janelle Funk

Elements Of Drama

Copperred left a link in the comments section and it was so good I had to pull it out and make it a main post...

Here it is, The Elemental Table of Drama




Speaking of drama, I'm contemplating an all too personal look at Mr. Bartender's past. How much of yourself is too much to share with the virtual masses?

Drunks, Drunks and Druggies

Oh a weekend full of colorful characters....

1. Friday night found a group of uber-young straight college students in my bar – their IDs said 21, their behavior said 12. They were drunk by the time they came in and after a single round of shots they were screaming non stop and kept stumbling into people. They asked for another round of shots and I informed them they were cut off. The cocky leader guy tried to argue with me "oh you think we're drunk? We're not drunk we're just enthusiastic" um yeah...riiiiight.... New Jersey Trash girl piped up "look...i totally respect your decision man, but are we like cut off for the entire night or just right now?" Feeling slightly benevolent I said if they sober up I may be willing to serve them later on. I offered water or soda and they all declined. They all headed downstairs and about 10 minutes later they came back with fresh drinks in their hands from another bartender. *sigh* After they finished that round New Jersey Trash came up and attempted to order a drink from me. I refused and in her best I'm-drunk-but-pretending-to-be-sober voice said "but I thought if we sobered up you'd serve us again" - "well you didn't sober up, you went downstairs and got another round" "No I didn't" "Look I saw you and you can argue with me until you're blue in the face but this is not debatable - I'm not serving you" "Alright fine, I just don't want you to be mad at me" - "Whatever, I'm not mad" - "Are you sure, you look mad" - "Look I have other customers to serve and I WILL be mad if you keep interrupting me from doing my job" . So she leaves and returns over to the cocky leader guy. She proceeds to dry-hump him on the couch. It was quite the horrific scene - like what bad porn is made of. It began to appear she was going to blow the guy at any minute so my coworker told them there was to be no sex in his bar unless he was involved, they got embarrassed and left. 15 minutes later they came back with a lesson learned - you fuck with the bartender, karma fucks with you. Apparently the "not drunk just enthusiastic" dry-humping trashy girl lost her purse. One by one the four people in the group came up in a panic looking for her purse. They were all freaking out. I just smiled and enjoyed the scene. The trashy girl herself came up and looked high and low. Finally she found it - apparently she was so busy getting her rocks off she didn't notice she knocked her purse into the trash can by the couch. She pulled the now beer-n-cigarette soiled purse out of the trash and I just kept on smiling :)

2) I also had a new first on Friday - first time I made a customer cry. Once again an over-intoxicated straight girl began to grate on my nerves. She ordered a bottled water, but then had no money to pay for it. I pulled the bottle away until she gets the money from her friends and began to serve others. As I'm making change at the register, she reaches over the bar and starts tapping me repeatedly on my back. I turn around and snap "do not touch me"....I clearly freaked her out "oh, but I....I....I...just wanted to get...your attention" - "I don't care, you wait for me to come back to you, do not touch me". I finish giving the other customer his change and come back to her, take her money and give her the bottle of water. Minutes later I hear her talking to her boyfriend "I...I...just...can't believe he was....so mean to me..." and tears start rolling down her face. Ooops...

3) Saturday I had the joy of cutting a guy off before he was served anything at all. A guy stumbled into the bar, sat his ass down at a table and began to nod off to sleep. Well, something like sleep at least. It became apparent he was on the influence of something but alcohol it was not. At first I thought he was rolling as he kept rubbing his head and arms, but then I recalled I had encountered him once before. It was about 2 years ago, he came in - ordered a single beer and half way through it passed out completely. He was unable to walk, we had to carry him down the stairs, out the door and into a cab. So seeing him drugged out now put the other night in perspective and I think he was probably a G queen. And a pretty stupid one if he's choosing to drink on top of that....Needless to say when he came up to order from me (twice) I refused both times and encouraged him to go on home. Again I had to ask you people out there if you're gonna mess around with that shit, keep it at home - I don't want to deal with your cracked out ass and certainly not if it entails babysitting you.

intoxicado

I believe this is my first semi-drunk blog entry....

I have to say tonight's green lantern was a HUGE disappointment.

Maybe it was the fact that I did not pre-cocktail before arriving there and was sober for most of the shirtless evening...it was only after the majority of the crowd had left that I began to feel that joy of slight intoxication....

Maybe it was the fact that an abundance of customers from MY bar were in attendance and one even tried to make out with me despite the fact that he has a boyfriend - I reminded him of this fact numerous times and informed him that a scarlet 'A' does not look good on me. He tried to justify his actions by claiming trying to kiss me was on a dare. I'm sorry but in my rule book - drunk or not, monogamy is monogamy and if those are terms you agree to - don't put my ass in the middle and make me the bad guy...

Maybe it was also the fact that aside from customers there was a fair share of other distractions that would be good if it was just one - but all these randoms from the past ended up showing up and i had a hard time maintaining conversation with just one person/group. Between the friends I arrived with, and the new friends I had met up with, and the old friends who happened to be there, and the current coworkers and the former coworkers and the guy I went on a couple dates with but decided I wasn't into and the customers there was just too much going on. I had a hard time focusing and in my (at the time) sober state it was just too much to maintain and enjoy myself....

Anyway, overall the night was very tame compared the usual debauchery. My liver and morning after regret says "thank you" but I'm feeling somewhat disappointed. I'll be sure to make up for it next week when Friday is a holiday and I don't have to worry about being productive at work the next day....

Hope all of you folk in blog land had a good one....

Much love,

semi-drunk'n'disappointed Mr. Bartender

(I do have to say though it was nice to finally meet Chip @ Gays of our Lives - obviously it was also nice hanging with his cohort Dale, The Boy from DC Urban Family, and the rest of Team Lady)

Mystery Package

Yesterday Mr. Postman brought me a mystery package with a t-shirt from Vintage Vantage inside.

There was no indication of who sent the package to me, so if anonymous gift giver is reading this right now - Thank you!

Identify yourself and you'll receive a heartfelt thank you note personalized to you - or a blowjob - just depends on my mood.

Jesus For President

Here is a great mock advertisment that Bush would use if he ran against Jesus Christ for President

Public Service Announcement

For any of you Windows users out there that care about the freedom of being able to make legitimate and legal copies of your music (i.e. converting your CDs to put them on your iPod) please follow one simple advice:

DISABLE AUTORUN ON YOUR COMPUTER

The major music labels keep coming up with new ways to prevent you from copying music, with heavy (and deserved) criticism going out to Sony for having it's CDs automatically install software that can

a) make it impossible to make mp3s out of the music you PURCHASED

and

b) render your CD drive inoperable if you attempt to uninstall their software

In fact, Sony installs such software on CDs against certain artists' wishes and not entirely for the purpose of protecting the artists from piracy - oh no, us consumers get caught in a pissing match between Sony and iTunes

Some further linkage:

Why Sony Sucks
How to Disable Autorun
Tell Sony How You Feel